Samiksha Khanal

Death is so easy. But living, it’s so hard. You have to breathe, your heart needs to beat, blood needs to flow, all the organs must function properly and so much more. And the most important of all, you will have to endure each passing day and still be hopeful that tomorrow might be different, that tomorrow you might see the light that you are seeking. But when you die, it’s like your existence is entirely gone and you don’t have to worry about any of your problems. But what about the ones who are left? When you are the one left behind in this, when you are the one that has to live reminiscing all those memories, then it feels like dying is so much easier as compared to living.

That was what I felt when I lost her, truly my other half, without whom my existence is never really complete, someone who knew me like the back of her hand, my twin sister. She was everywhere, not omnipresent or anything but still she was wherever I was. ‘Joined at the hips’ could have been made just for us. It feels like just yesterday she was there, with me, making all those devious plans to trick our parents and now there is just me and this blank space. And this all would have been so much easier for me, if only I had gotten one chance to say my final goodbye to her, tell her how much I would miss her, and most importantly let her know that how incomplete I would be without her.

I was still young so I never knew that death was painful. I never knew death can consume so much that it can create a black hole within you. And I never knew that losing someone could be that hard to accept. One moment we both were there and in the blink of an eye she was gone. The day she left me is still fresh in my mind. I can still count all those painful seconds but I would rather not relive those memories. And the days after that day were never easy but as the time passed it became a lot less painful. Initially, I didn’t know how to cope up with the loss so I resorted to shutting everyone out. I grew distant even with my own parents. Some days were just so hard to pass and with the way I was having one worded conversation most of the time didn’t help either. I used to feel guilty for living. Sometimes when I used to smile or be happy, I started feeling guilty for that as well. I used to think that I don’t deserve to be happy when someone with whom I shared same womb for nine months is no longer with me. I used to believe we were supposed to live together that was why we were born together and when she left me I used to question my existence, I used to search for the point in me being alive.

Those silent screams and soliloquies were unavailing. They never made it easier to accept the fact that I was still breathing and she was no more around me. The guilt was eating me up inside. I felt culpable for getting to see one more sunrise than her, one more dawn, one more dusk and for many other things which I knew for sure that she would have enjoyed. It was so effortless to face this world every day when she was by my side. And as the time passed when I gradually forgot the way she used to laugh or the way her voice raised an octave when she had to stress for a point, or the way her eyes used to crinkle when she was happy, I could not even bear to look myself in the mirror anymore. It was like losing a part of myself. And I used to think losing a part of myself literally would have been way easier than losing her because looking at myself in the mirror was the daily remainder of what I lost. And that was even more painful. We used to complete each other and when the day came when I could not even relive those illusions of her voices or her laughter I broke down. It was not just hard; it was so much more. It was difficult to pick up the pieces of her that she left behind. It was gut-wrenching to see her memories fade away. And it was even more heart breaking to learn that she wasn’t coming back anymore.

Because of her I learnt that death is inevitable and even when you try your hardest you will have to face it at some point in your life. I won’t say it will be easy as you grow up because it won’t. I won’t say it will be a lot less painful but I know for a fact that it will teach you a thing or two. I learned this after she passed away that how fragile our lives are and how finite can time be. It taught me that guilt is something that eats you alive, gnawing away, every day. And by holding on to anger, hate and resentment, you will reach nowhere. This negative energy is way more powerful than we realize, it can absorb you, destroy you and the worst of all make you believe that you are the most awful person for not doing anything sooner. But you need to learn to forgive yourself because you cannot save everyone. I have learnt to forgive myself because there is only so much I can do. And the most important thing death has taught me is that life is indeed very precious and you will have to make the most of it.